Marriage and Marriage Problems
Christians are not immune from experiencing tensions in their relationships and particularly in their marriages. It would appear that these problems are getting more common as people try to cram more and more into their busy lives. Tiredness readily moves into intolerance, criticisms turn to anger and anger can turn to violence. It is all too easy for tiredness to turn selflessness into selfishness.
This short article is an attempt to help us all understand and hopefully resolve tensions. Some marriages can get to such a pitch that couples hardly talk to one another, and simply co-exist. Children always pick up on the problems and are always affected in some way by disharmony in the home. Everybody loses when there are tensions.
In some strained relationships, couples can put on an act so that it makes it appear to others that the tensions are not too bad. They can continue going to groups or church together and friendships with others can continue as if nothing is wrong. However there is always a tendency to want to withdraw from society when there are problems, people tend to feel safer in the dark. But the cancer is there, eroding both peace and joy away. Radical treatment is urgently needed.
What is important?
Unhappiness is a wretched state of affairs yet in damaged relationships the best solution is not easy. One of the best long-term studies of divorce has found that divorce, in and of itself, generally does not lead to a better life. Many marriages that had experienced even serious problems, such as alcoholism, infidelity, and emotional neglect, are now happy after working through their problems. One study found that about three in ten currently married individuals at one time thought their marriage might be in serious trouble and had thought about divorce. But more than 90% of these individuals said that they were glad that they were still together.
It is hard to work through a difficult marriage, but it is also hard to work through a divorce. One study found that when individuals in a low-conflict marriage divorced, they experienced, on average a decrease in happiness. This study suggests that ending a marriage, that may be unhappy at the time but low in conflict, is not a reliable path to improved happiness. About half of divorces come from low-conflict marriages in which one or both spouses are unhappy but there isn’t a lot of fighting, just coldness and non-communication.
One idea some people have about divorce is that children will be better off because a divorce will make for happier parents. If there isn’t a lot of physical conflict in the marriage, research suggests that the children probably will be better off if their parents stay married and try to work though their problems.
Especially when children are involved, divorce does not necessarily end conflict between parents. In fact, research suggests that, for many couples, conflict actually increases after a divorce. Post-divorce conflict between ex-spouses makes it more difficult for children to adjust to life after the divorce. Most children are better off when their parents can resolve their difficulties and keep the family together, although there are exceptions to this. In high-conflict marriages with a lot of fighting, children are generally better off if their parents divorce rather than stay married and continue to fight. Recent evidence has shown that children aged between 7 and 14 are most likely to suffer from emotional problems as a result of their parents divorcing. Older boys suffer more than older girls.
In the Bible the Ammonite god, Molech was sometimes worshipped by offering children as sacrifices. This horrendous practice was widely condemned. Yet today, the selfish behaviour of some parents can be the equivalent. Children can be sacrificed as the parents’ anger and exasperations are vented openlin the family. Immense long term harm can be caused.
Biblical emphasis
Marriage is God’s gift to mankind, both for companionship and to raise children in a secure environment. No wonder ‘God hates divorce’ (Malachi 2:16). Jesus himself taught, ‘So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ (Matthew 19:6).
Help is available
The most precious gifts we have been given are our relationships and friendships so these must become of the highest priority. Usually it is how people behave that makes matters worse. When people are unhappy they can so easily say and do stupid things that compound the problems. Just as a single driving error can result not just in points being deducted but in insurance costs escalating, and a single mistake can result in a person being sent to prison with awful longer term consequences; so, wrong behaviour and damaging words can be nails in the coffin so such hurtful actions must stop.
Deep relationship problems are best helped by involving a trusted friend, pastor or counsellor. A Christian should be able to give an added dimension by reminding the couple of their responsibilities, promised before God at the marriage and of the fact that God hates divorce and all that gives rise to the tensions. To take this step can be hard as it involves admitting that we have failed. However if this hurdle of pride can be overcome then there is real hope of relationships being restored. For a Christian there is much help. There are many testimonies about how understanding what the Bible teaches about our priorities in life and how we should behave has radically changed lives and brought back peace and happiness.
Diagnose the issues
When problems in a relationship begin to arise, it is wise to note those aspects of your life that your partner appreciates and those features that irritate or annoy. The wise person will then build on the plus points and do their best not to irritate. If both of the couple can do this there is much hope. Sometimes a mediator can help as this process can be painful. Nearly always there are factors on both sides that are contributing to the disharmony.
When Jesus looked at the church in Ephesus all appeared well on the outside. They were hard workers, they could not tolerate wrong-doing in others and had even endured hardships in their lives. But one thing was seriously wrong:
“But I have this against you. You have forsaken your first love.” Revelation 2:4
The root problem with the Ephesian church was that they had lost their love for Jesus. Their lives did not centre about pleasing him any more – they were more concerned about rights and wrongs in others. John continues with the answer,
“Remember the height from which you have fallen . . .” Revelation 2:5
Just as those Christians could look back to the time when they first became Christians with its joy and excitement, so in our tarnished relationships most can look back to happier times when there was much joy. John continues bluntly,
“ . . . Repent and do the things you did at first.” Revelation 2:5
Just as Christians should look back to when they first turned to Christ and return to reading the Bible, praying and telling others about the gospel of the Lord Jesus, so in our relationships the answer is to start again. Think through what it is that so irritates my spouse - those habits or activities they hate. When relationships are really strained and anger has set in, these issues will probably have been aired many times! It is both parties behave that put the strain on relationships.
Christians have a great example of selflessness to follow:
“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love . . . then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not to your own interests but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of the Lord Jesus: ‘Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant . . .’” Philippians 2:1-7
There is a quaint little poem by Ella Wheeler Willcox, which has a very profound verse,
“One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.”
It is how we react to circumstances that determines the outcomes.
Determine to change yourself
We must start speaking to ourselves and determine to do what is right. Just as a child can need reminders to stop sucking their thumb, so we may need help to correct bad habits. In one marriage, what most irritated the wife was unhelpfulness around the house. When they were first engaged he used to be so helpful but then laziness set in. The remedy is simple but hard, swallow the pride and empty the rubbish bins. Anger can be so destructive. It can unfortunately be justified by thinking it is ‘righteous’ and the reason for the anger is reasonable - but it virtually never is. The damage done by anger far outweighs its cause. Anger and loose words can destroy trust and affection so easily and must be eradicated from any relationships, whether at home or at work. For some people, anger control is on a short fuse, but to realise the damage it does should help lead to its control. Anger should seldom be seen in a home, even with really irritating children or partners. It does more harm than good.
A good place to start start is to remember to say thank you for all the little things that are done for you.
Learning to control our tongues is a vital remedial step. It is so destructive to criticise your wife or husband openly to others. Loyalty is a great characteristic, even when you are upset, and helps to renew relationships.
A friend of ours went through an acrimonious divorce after he lost ‘it’; out of anger he repeatedly did stupid things. He lost his job, he became severely stressed and then became so angry with everyone – he could so easily see the wrongs that everyone had done to him. Then he became a Christian and decided to ‘play a straight bat’. He would do what was right, even when severely irritated. The result has been astounding. His life, with some ups and downs has turned right around. He is so much happier and he and his ex-wife can talk together without the previous acrimony. Their child is happier too.
So often, when this happens, others respond to the initiatives we make.
Start being positive
Relationships are destroyed by negativity but can be rebuilt by doing positive things together. This is what most people do at the beginning of a relationship. Go out and do something together, go to the cinema, a football match or even ballet. Go for a walk with friends or go out for a meal with some friends. Think what your spouse might enjoy and suggest that. You may feel that you are giving more than you are receiving; sometimes that is necessary for the long term gain to the whole family. Sitting at home in silence watching ‘tele’, which has well been defined as ‘chewing gum for the eyes’, night by night is not very constructive.
The alternative
Jesus warned the Ephesian church that if they did not start living closely with him again the consequences will be awful.
“If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.” Revelation 2:5
The options are clear, repentance and the chance of restoration, or stubbornness and possibly hell.
I well remember my mother taking time every morning to read her Bible and pray alone in her room. That example has always stayed with me. Faithful to the end. If we can each graciously follow our Lord and set his example of living before others they will be attracted back because these are values that God has implanted into us. They are attractive values.
What really matters in life? Is it my enjoyment, my success in the world’s eyes, my having the right to decide what I want; or is it to live in a way that pleases my Lord and Saviour? As I live as God wants, even when it is hard, it will bring peace and joy both to me and to others around me. It may also lead them to honour the Saviour I serve.
BVP
