‘We don’t want you here’

A 14 year old girl committed suicide. At the inquest it was revealed that she had been ostracised by school colleagues who had regularly said to her ‘Go kill yourself’, and ‘die’.  It was said that she had been targeted by a ‘I hate Megan Evans’ campaign.  It was then that a boyfriend dumped her.

This may be an extreme case but treating people cruelly by excluding them and then gossiping about them to their detriment is widespread, even in Christian circles.

Research in psychology and sociology has shown that girls are more prone to react to problems with spitefulness, malicious gossip, and ostracism, whereas boys tend to react more with physical aggression.

If you ask people what they consider to be ‘sin’ the answers will usually focus or stealing, lying, sexual promiscuity, and even pride but rarely being unkind to others come high on the list, perhaps because it is so prevalent in all of us.   Cold-shouldering or ostracising people we disapprove of is widespread.  This may show itself in a refusal to talk or a failure to keep in contact.

I have just phoned up someone who has not been to church for more than a month or two.  Apparently no-one else had been in contact with him and he added,

“I didn’t feel wanted.”

A lonely Christian man suspected of being a homosexual visited a church.  Gossip had been widespread about him and as a result he was cold-shouldered by some church leaders when they saw him.  Fortunately others did made him feel welcome and a church elder invited him back for lunch. It was this welcome that made him feel wanted and this was what he appreciated more than anything.

Love for others must always be a mark of Christians.  Although the Bible does not explicitly categorise cold-shouldering or ostracising as a “sin” in a specific verse, it does strongly emphasise love, reconciliation, and community. Surely such behaviour is contrary to biblical teachings.

Love and Reconciliation:

Jesus commands that we love for all, even our enemies,

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44

Avoiding or shunning someone without cause violates the call to love unconditionally. Reconciliation is also prioritised.  If there are conflicts they need to be resolved and not brushed under the carpet.  Jesus outlined steps to resolve conflicts within a church.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.  But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’  If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-17

Exclusion must be a definitive final act, not an early reaction to dislike.  Any accusation must be substantiated, personnel likes or dislikes are not reasons for isolating people in Christian circles.

The Sin of Partiality

The Bible warns against our showing favouritism or treating others unequally because of their social or financial status.  This is described as inconsistent with God’s law of loving one’s neighbour.

“My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favouritism. . . If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ you are doing right.” James 2:1-9

The Sin of Bitterness

The Scriptures urges believers to be kind and compassionate Without this attitude churches will be destroyed by infighting.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ.  God forgave you. Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 4:31- 5:2

Ostracising someone might stem from unresolved anger or bitterness, backed up with malign gossip, but Christians are called to counter this both in ourselves and in our churches.

When is Exclusion Warranted?

The Bible does discuss circumstances where separation is necessary, such as when someone is causing harm or divisiveness within the church by teaching or advocating doctrines that are contrary to Scripture.

“I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.” Romans 16:17

Paul wrote to the Corinthian church about the scandalous way they accepted a man who was openly involved in serious sexual immorality, a man was sleeping with his father’s wife (likely his stepmother). Paul is shocked by the church’s tolerance of this openly defiant and persistent sin and he insists that the man be excluded from the community:

“Hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord” 1 Corinthians 5:5

The purpose of this was disciplinary, aiming both to protect the church’s purity and mission as well as to bring the sinner to repentance.

Between 6 and 12 months later Paul wrote a second letter to the Corinthians and appears to refer to this same individual and advises the church to forgive and comfort him because he has repented:

“Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow” 2 Corinthians 2:7

Paul emphasises the need to restore the man to fellowship to avoid discouragement and to demonstrate the church’s forgiveness in Christ.  Similarly, our focus today should be particularly concerned for the spiritual life of individuals and for this they need to become actively involved in an outgoing, Bible teaching, local Christian community.

Intentional cold-shouldering without a substantiated just cause contradicts these teachings in Scripture. Church leaders do need to recognise how harmful this is and make every effort to stamp out cold-shouldering and making people feel unwelcome.  Isn’t this why a major characteristic of those selected to be church leaders must be ‘given to hospitality’.  There eis nothing like this for overcoming tensions and helping to make people feel welcomed.

BVP